Family Guy: 20 Best Peter Griffin Quotes Ranked

Summary Peter Griffin's idiocy drives the humor of Family Guy, making his quotes comedy gold.

Family Guy teases its rival, The Simpsons, through social commentaries in witty Peter quotes.

Peter's dimwitted schemes and absurd quotes make him the lovable, foolish linchpin of the show.

Among the colorful cast of the hit cartoon sitcom Family Guy, the Peter Griffin quotes prove there's probably no more amusing character in the series. After all, it's this goofy, dimwitted man from which the show's name is derived. Father, husband, and often the driver for setting up sporadic gags, Peter has become the predominant icon of the show. Given his randomness and painfully naive, childish ways, he's naturally the linchpin for much of the humor, and by extension, many of the show's funniest quotes.

Between his lack of self-awareness, casual cruelty, immense stupidity, and strong New England accent, nearly everything Peter says is comedy gold. It's hard to believe that over two decades have passed since Family Guy first aired. Such longevity is exceedingly rare in a television series. The classic lines of one of the characters who significantly contributed to the show's popularity: the lovable Griffin patriarch, Peter, is a good reason why fans still watch the animated comedy series to this day.

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20 "I Have An Idea So Smart That My Head Would Explode If I Even Began To Know What I Was Talking About."

Season 2, Episode 5 - "Love Thy Trophy"

Family Guy is predicated on a central concept: Peter Griffin’s buffoonery. Usually, that involves a quickly thought-out and hastily executed plan that can only work with a copious amount of cartoon logic, resulting in some of the best Peter Griffin quotes. Examples like this abound, from his plan to stop kids from licking toads to get high by infiltrating James Woods High School to claiming his house as a sovereign state to beating up a man-sized chicken.

Peter’s hair-brained schemes seem to follow an internal logic that only makes sense to him, as this quote makes clear. The fact that his plans sometimes work is an even bigger shock, but as Peter admits, he has no idea where these ideas come from and just knows that they make sense in some part of his frazzled brain. Of course, it also helps that he has family and friends who can pull him out of danger when his schemes threaten to destroy him.

19 "Gosh, It's Not Like The Internet To Go Crazy About Something Small And Stupid."

Season 13, Episode 1 - "The Simpsons Guy"

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Family Guy often manages to infuse its episodes with social commentary, either slyly or directly. When Peter’s one-panel comic stirs controversy on the internet during their crossover with The Simpsons, Peter observes that “it’s not like the internet to go crazy about something small and stupid.” Clearly, the comment was an indirect way of lampooning internet trolls who’ve nitpicked elements of both iconic shows. What is even funnier is that Peter thinks this is true and isn't being sarcastic at all.

Moreover, it was a general statement about people using the internet to complain about the minutiae of daily life and their propensity to overdramatize issues disproportionately. There have been so many people who use social media to try to get things canceled, and Family Guy has done enough offensive storylines to warrant it in many cases. This is a case of the show taking a preemptive strike at the dangers of social media anger.

18 "I'm Not Going To Tell You Where But I Will Give You A Hint: It Wasn't On My Nose Or My Ear And It Was One Of My B***s."

Season 4, Episode 25 - "You May Now Kiss The...Uh...Guy Who Receives"

Peter’s impulsivity is a hallmark of the series. The constant indulgence of his ‘stream-of-consciousness’ schemes drives the plot for many episodes. In Season 4, Episode 25, Peter accompanies Brian’s cousin Jasper to a piercing salon to celebrate his impending nuptials. Getting a first-time piercing is not something most people decide upon spontaneously, especially when it’s a particularly sensitive portion of the human anatomy.

Peter’s decision to do just that highlights his impulsiveness, as well as the series’ propensity to mention topics conventionally unmentionable on network television. Hilariously, Peter seems to be unwilling to explain where his last piercing was, but as he is describing where it isn't, he finally just blurts out where the spot was on his body -- and it is the last place that anyone would have wanted to hear about, to begin with.

17 "Bird Is The Word."

Season 7, Episode 2 - "I Dream of Jesus"

Indulging in shenanigans and beating a joke to death is par for the course on Family Guy, which is part of its unique appeal. Perhaps one of the most consistent gags occurred when Peter discovered the '60s song Surfin’ Bird by The Trashmen, resulting in one of the best Peter Griffin running gags. Obsessed, Peter would often set up some unsuspecting character with a “Haven’t you heard?” before he’d spontaneously break out into the song’s chorus and dance.

This seemingly happens whenever the opportunity arises, a repeat joke and singing performance, making the most popular music reference on Family Guy. Before appearing on the adult animated Fox comedy series, Surfin' Bird was mostly a running song played on the Dr. Demento Show, but it also had more punk roots as none other than The Ramones covered it and made it part of their live sets. Now, thanks to Family Guy, the song lives on for a new generation of fans.

16 "Shut Up, Meg."

Season 10, Episode 2 - "Seahorse Seashell Party"

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The amount of vitriol and unabashed hatred Meg seems to engender in her entire family (and her father in particular) is equally disturbing, unwarranted, and hilarious. The Season 10 episode, “Seahorse Seashell Party,” reveals that the family’s animosity towards Meg serves as a way to channel their dysfunction in a way that won’t implode the family and cause its disintegration. That still hasn’t stopped Peter from treating Meg horribly.

Still, the funniest bit of Peter’s dumping on Meg is a perfectly timed, drawn-out, and disdainful, “Shut up, Meg,” which he’s uttered on many occasions. The best part of these moments is that, often, Meg is saying something comforting or questioning actions that her family members have taken that are wrong in every way. The fact that Peter says this countless times as a way of dismissing every concern his daughter has is wrong, cruel, and often very funny in his delivery of the line.

15 "There's A Message In My Alpha-Bits. It Says 'Oooooo.'"

Season 1, Episode 6 - "The Son Also Draws"

Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane establishes early on and emphatically that Peter's idiocy knows no bounds, setting the stage for some hilarious gags. A prime example of this early in the show's run comes from its very first season, which features Peter and Brian sitting at the kitchen table. Peter seems flabbergasted that his Alpha-Bits® have flashed him an ominous message of an extended "Ooooooo." To cap this off, Brian responds with an irritable "Those are Cheerios."

The nonchalant manner of this response indicates that the family dog puts up with quite a bit of Peter's naivety. For those unfamiliar with kids' cereals, Alpha-Bits used to be a breakfast cereal made by Post that had alphabet-shaped cereal bits. These were used to help kids learn more about letters, and it was often fun to arrange them into words while eating breakfast in the mornings. The fact that Peter is eating Cheerios, which are just circular cereal pieces, and thinks they are several letter "O"'s makes it even funnier.

14 "Let's Go Drink Until We Can't Feel Feelings Anymore."

Season 3, Episode 19 - "Stuck Together, Torn Apart"

A major Peter trope -- which is second only to his stupidity -- is his love of beer. It's no secret that the man enjoys throwing back some alcohol. One gem of a quote that further drives this home can be found in the show's third season, which features Peter's friends pulling up to his place in a police vehicle, ready to drink the night away. The quote Griffin delivers before joining his pals in the van has since become an iconic, meme-worthy line, even spawning Family Guy memorabilia featuring it.

The line also shows that Peter has more than one problem. Not only does he drink too much, and often to the point of passing out, but he tends to choose not to have feelings. While he has a love for Lois, he mostly ignores his kids and doesn't care what happens to them, he doesn't care about his job, and the only thing he does care about is getting so drunk that he doesn't care about anything -- and that even doesn't bother him.

13 "I'll Be Damned If I'm Gonna Be Lectured By A Pervert."

Season 3, Episode 22 - "When You Wish Upon A Weinstein"

Lois certainly isn't shy about calling out her husband's naive, insensitive, and immature ways. One such example comes from the fan-favorite Season 3 episode, "When You Wish Upon a Weinstein," which contains one of the best Peter Griffin quotes. Lois remarks that Peter is acting like a child. His response? An absurd, yet uncharacteristically clever retort, explaining that this would make Lois a "pedophile."

He then caps off this silly zinger by walking out of the house and remarking that he won't be lectured by a pervert. It's a memorable moment that's emblematic of the show's more nuanced roots. These sort of lines play with the meanings of the dialogue in a way that critics often miss in Family Guy. The fact that Peter's defense of Lois saying he is acting like a child means that believes she is married to someone who acts like a child, is both childlike and somehow brilliant in its absurdity.

12 "We Took A Lot From The Simpsons."

Season 14, Episode 3 - "Guy Robot"

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Many have critiqued Family Guy for its apparent parallels to another zany animated sitcom, The Simpsons. There are similarities between the respective family members, the random wacky happenings and gags, and a dimwitted father at the forefront of it all. In a move that's both amusing and respectable, Seth MacFarlane and his team of writers acknowledge this head-on with a cheeky fourth wall bit. It features a drunken Peter collapsing on his bed and talking to Lois.

As those under the influence have been known to do, Peter hits her with some "real talk." It is also a fun line since there has been such a strong rivalry between The Simpsons and Family Guy that Fox even threatened the shows when they started making fun of each other too much. There was an episode where the two shows crossed over, but this was one more nuanced episode where Family Guy, through these Peter Griffin quotes, admits that they owe a lot to the long-running animated series.

11 "I May Be An Idiot, But There's One Thing I'm Not Sir, And That Is An Idiot."

Season 5, Episode 3 - "Hell Comes to Quahog"

Family Guy often thrives on its sense of ironies, absurdities, and oxymorons. Being a prominent character and an unpredictable fool, Peter is naturally the vessel for many of these funny, ironic contradictions. While discussing a possible transaction with a sleazy used car salesman -- Griffin tries to maintain his dignity by making it clear he's not an idiot. Of course, in typical Peter fashion, he utterly fails in this by immediately contradicting himself in about the most amusing way possible.

What is great about Peter Griffin quotes like this is that he has no idea how he sounds to other people. Peter knows that he is an idiot, but he also defends himself in the most ludicrous way possible and shows that he remains clueless about his own stupidity when people look down on him. Peter will never beat himself up outwardly, but these lines show that something deep down inside knows the truth.

10 "Whoa, Whoa... Lois, This Is Not My Batman Glass."

Season 4, Episode 2 - "Fast Times at Buddy Cianci Jr High"

Another Peter trait that's both condemning and somehow endearing is his obliviousness and aloofness with family happenings. Chris doesn't exactly get much care or attention either. This is illustrated during the episode "Fast Times at Buddy Cianci Jr. High," where Peter gets the shocking revelation that his young teenage son is in a relationship with his teacher. With his reaction seemingly conveying disbelief by way of repeating "whoa!," it appears Peter is showing the humanity of a concerned father.

But alas - it's discovered that he's merely taken aback that the glass he's using is not his Batman glass. The fact that Peter only pays attention to his belongings and likely wasn't even listening or paying attention to what Chris is going through. Peter is the worst parent for all his kids, and it is amazing that any of them survived their lives to this point, and they likely owe it all to their mother, Lois, who is only slightly more concerned with their safety.

9 "This Is The Story Of Star Wars. Let's Begin With Part Four."

Season 6, Episode 1 - "Blue Harvest"

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Though The Simpsons has plenty of Star Wars references, Family Guy pulled off three whole parody episodes going through the original trilogy and each one contains some of the best Peter Griffin quotes as he plays his own rendition of Han Solo. The Star Wars spoof kicks off with the episode "Blue Harvest." This makes for an emphatic way to ring in the show's 6th season, as the Griffins' deep space adventure satirizes various events and traits of Star Wars beat for beat.

This quote serves as a subtle, but clever way to introduce this parody by poking fun at the odd chronology of Lucas' saga. As most fans know, Star Wars was the first movie in the series, but there were three prequels that came out after the next two movies. When the prequels started coming out, Lucas brought fans Episodes 1-3, and that means that the first three movies were actually the fourth through the sixth, which makes almost no sense to even number them that way when looking back on the releases.

8 "I Always Thought Dogs Laid Eggs. And I Learned Something Today."

Season 3, Episode 13 - "Screwed the Pooch"

Brian has had bad relationships on Family Guy, with even one with another dog going awry. Yet, it's Brian's owner who caps off the episode with perhaps its most amusing line as they're walking out of a hospital. After the unsettling Ted Turner-esque offspring of Brian's canine lover Seabreeze are revealed, Peter admits he thought puppies came in another way.

The quote would be funny enough on its own merits, but the realistic pause and inclusion of an "um" midway through gives the statement something a little extra. It also adds to the lack of intelligence that Peter has always shown on Family Guy. When it comes to pop culture or really anything about beer, Peter can be a really smart guy. But when it comes to an even simple scientific fact of life, Peter shows that he likely never paid attention to anything in school, and it is a shock he has been able to survive in the world to this point.

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7 "Lois Might Be Worth A Million Dollars To You, But To Me She's Worthless."

Season 3, Episode 6 - "Death Lives"

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Early in the show's run, fans get to look in on a prequel story that chronicles the early days of Peter's relationship with Lois. Just like the present day, Peter's dimwitted ways shine through - making him come off as even more insensitive than he's already proven himself to be. After Lois' stern father offers Peter a cash bribe to just "go away" and leave his daughter alone, Peter responds with a line that's supposed to be endearing but inadvertently comes across as insulting.

Peter rejects the money and the offer to leave Lois because she means more to him than a cash bribe. However, as he tries to convey that Lois is more important to him than money, he accidentally says the opposite and admits that she is "worthless" and he would rather have her than the bribe. It's a typical Griffin gaffe, and it's hilarious because Peter never actually realizes that he just insulted his future wife to her own father at that moment.

6 "I'm The Most Non-Competitive. So I Win."

Season 2, Episode 10 - "Running Mates"

Late in Season 2, Peter and Lois clash as they're running against each other for the Head of the School Board of Education. But as is often the case in politics, a debate on actual issues devolves into unrelated smears and mudslinging. This is all the more amusing considering the opponents in question are husband and wife. Peter tries to make his case to Brian that he's not competitive at all, by swiftly contradicting himself in this classic oxymoron of a line.

Once again, Peter reveals his true nature and intentions through his own idiocy. This is also a slam against modern-day politics, and it happened over two decades ago. Even with the line being another Peter Griffin snafu, it also plays into the idea that most politicians do almost nothing when they get into power, and the competitiveness goes completely out the window when all they care about is holding on to what they have while doing as little as possible -- which makes it a perfect job for Peter Griffin.

5 "Someone Who Cares Enough About Physical Comedy To Put His Entire Family Into Serious Danger, That's Who."

Season 3, Episode 16 - "A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas"

Peter oscillates from lacking self-awareness to being so self-aware that he outwardly is proud of his worst traits. This is exemplified during the Family Guy Christmas episode, "A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas," when a fire breaks out in the Griffin house and Peter has equipped the home with a fake fire extinguisher. Brian rightfully scolds Peter, by asking who on Earth would do something so stupid as buying a novelty fire extinguisher.

Peter responds that he would, and is brutally honest yet proud about his reasons for endangering the family. This is one of the fun Peter Griffin quotes because it also allows him to break the fourth wall in a manner. A Family Guy complaint is that nothing makes sense and there is no reason that Peter -- or anyone else in his family -- would do what they do for the slapstick moments to happen. Here, Peter says, matter of factly, that the slapstick humor is the exact reason they make poor decisions.

4 "Um... If By 'Read' You Mean 'Imagined A Naked Lady,' Then Yes."

Season 3, Episode 10 - "A Fish Out of Water"

Some of the best Peter Griffin quotes come from his harebrained schemes going awry, earning the ire of Brian. In "A Fish Out of Water," Peter dreams of buying a fishing boat and becoming a deep-sea fisherman. However, he is unable to pay the loan back, and the loan company threatens to foreclose on the Griffin house if he can't cough up the cash. Peter once again showcases his immense dimwittedness when Brian asks if Peter bothered to read the fine print on the loan contract.

Peter responds, albeit rather bashfully, "Um... if by 'read' you mean 'imagined a naked lady,' then yes." Why Peter was imagining a "naked lady" at that exact moment is questionable, but the fact that he never read the fine print on a contract he signed is exactly something that Peter Griffin would do. It seems almost amazing that he hasn't lost everything he owns because he doesn't bother to make responsible decisions rather than live in his own deranged mind.

3 "I Swear To God I Thought Dogs Could Breathe Underwater."

Season 13, Episode 5 - "Turkey Guys"

Peter seems to have some misguided preconceptions about the biology of his family dog Brian in the episode "Turkey Guys." In the installment, Brian and Peter get drunk the night before Thanksgiving and end up eating the turkey. The next day, they are tasked with finding a new one for the upcoming family dinner, which leads to several dangerous gags and hijinks. One particular moment sees Brian almost drowning.

When he angrily points this out to Peter, and the fact that Peter chose a turkey over him, the family patriarch busts out this incorrect preconception. This also isn't the only time that Peter has shown that he has little to no scientific knowledge, not even information that even an elementary school-aged child would know. Peter thought dogs laid eggs when they had babies. It makes sense that Peter would also think that dogs have the same abilities as fish, which makes no sense to anyone with a brain.

2 "How Can I Be A DJ? I'm Just A Guy With A Laptop And An Inflated Self-Image."

Season 15, Episode 12 - "Peter's Def Jam"

Some of the best Peter Griffin quotes arise from his dealings with his friends Cleveland, Quagmire, and Joe. This is the case in the episode "Peter's Def Jam." The guys decide to turn their Drunkin' Clam chat sessions into a podcast but are soon turned off by Cleveland's diatribes. After trying a different route, Peter's ineptitude with technology results in him creating a music mix that gets him invited to DJ at a club.

Peter is convinced to go solo by the club owner, during which he manages one of his funniest quotes, skewering DJs everywhere. This is funny in the same way that every scheme that Peter has ever come up with is funny. He wants to do something, and he thinks it must be easy and requires no knowledge of what he wants to do. He then insults everyone who actually works hard in the business. At the same time, it is also a fun jab at DJs who aren't that skilled, but believe they are something special in that realm.

1 "I Don't Know What I'm Doin' Here. I Was Just Lookin' For The Can."

Season 10, Episode 5 - "Back to the Pilot"

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Brian and Stewie's time travel episodes are a particular series highlight for longtime Family Guy fans, and the season 10 installment "Back to the Pilot" is a double bonus because it has one of the best Peter Griffin quotes. In the episode, Brian and Stewie attempt to alter the past by stopping 9/11, but their adventure causes a Civil War in America in the present. After numerous attempts, the two end up creating a litany of time paradoxes.

Smack dab in the middle of the chaos, Peter walks out with a pair of duplicates of himself and delivers this line so nonchalantly that it immediately breaks the tension. This Family Guy episode remains highly controversial since some fans felt that it downplayed the tragedies of 9/11. However, it had a lot deeper meaning for people who really paid attention to what Seth MacFarlane was trying to say. For everyone else, this Peter Griffin quote at least lightened things up somewhat.